


ever since then and everything after

by orphan_account



Series: walmart's hoard of imagines [5]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Awkward Romance, Break Up, Confessions, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Non-Idol AU, Post-Break Up, but like in the second chapter only, junshua, the junshua no one asked for, this is. um bad?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-26 23:05:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18186815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: **requested;after all these years, only one thing remained a constant in our lives: us.there was really no one who knew me better than he did, but he still makes me feel so nervous.





	1. and he knows me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elysianlune](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elysianlune/gifts).



> **requested
> 
> this is really um?? not good? apparently based on my first crush back at like preschool, goddamn.
> 
> [the junshua content literally only ONE person asked for] 
> 
> (im guessing your ao3 account, bitch)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there really is no one who can beat the person who's been by your side since forever.

joshua and i have been friends for as long as i remembered. sure, we picked up changes as time went by, but one thing remained constant in our lives-- us.

 

i don't know what it was that made joshua even tolerate me; the guy who draws cats on everything and eats at every given opportunity.

 

in fact, that's how we met.

 

  we were classmates since preschool; i was a bit of an awkward kid as the runt of the group. the others were older than me by just a little bit- where joshua was one year older than me but i would catch up to his age on june until december swept by again. for the same reason as others, he made me feel strangely awkward with his presence alone. he was a kind kid, i knew he was-- heck, even his parents are entire angels. but i guess that, for the same reason as the other kids, i felt weird to be the younger.

 

in spite of this, he knew exactly the way to break through my awkwardness-- food.

 

  every now and then, with my little cartoon cat-pattered bag, i would sometimes forget to bring my lunch. but not ever was there a time where joshua even hesitated to offer his own lunch; it was usually me who was hesitant to accept. still, we would share it in the end because the boy would not leave until i took it.

 

  i was also a bit of a brat in school. when the teacher would read books, i would turn around and read another book on my own. whenever the chinese teacher came by and put up the flashcards, i would always act overdramatically. whenever " _candy_ " came up, i would drop from my seat and pretend that there was candy on the floor, eating it; and joshua and my fellow classmates would follow suit. that was probably what gave him the idea to randomly gift me a candy, but i was so grateful for the action at the time.

 

ever since then, joshua and i had never left sides.

 

"mrs. cha is going to kill me." joshua said, falling on his seat.

 

"what is it this time?" i smiled widely, slouching on the seat the same way josh is.

 

"forgot to pass _this_ ," he raised a paper-- no, his project. ouch.

 

"yikes. want me to jump out of the bus, run back to the high school and pass it for you?"

 

"i'm good; gave up on caring a while ago anyway. let's just hang out at your house or something." joshua said, folding the paper before putting it in his bag.

 

"sounds good!"

 

 

\--

 

my fingers played a tune from a chinese drama i watched, and joshua's eyes fluttered shut to appreciate the melody. the house was alone, save for us two and a few framed drawings of my little cartoon cats. but eventually the song had to end, and that's when joshua woke up.

 

"so, what do you want to do now?"

 

"i don't know. i just like hanging out here with you." joshua said, snug into the armrest of the couch.

 

"yeah right, you only love me for my couch." i said, eyes narrowed, but not at all venomously.

 

"also true," joshua said mischievously, and when i closed the lid of my piano, i went to sit down on his legs.

 

"jun, ouch, wait, damn-- _out_!" joshua said, in pain as he removed me from his shins.

 

"sorry." i said, holding back a laugh.

 

"okay, i'm up, now what do you want?"

 

"uhm...you?"

 

joshua coughed out awkwardly, lips curled into a confused smile and his pierced ears glowed red. "i-- wait, what?" his reaction was a _'wait, what?'_ moment for me, too. i, too, melted into his same demeanor of fluster.

 

"i...i mean like, _'um, i don't know, you?'_ kind of...you, i- should have...worded that better," i tried to save my own scalp, but i ended up being the one who pulled the trigger, stupid. "actually, i think i have like a ukulele somewhere around the house, i don't even play but i know you've done it before, so,"

 

"wait, uh, before that," joshua made me pause. it was for the best; i usually ramble like this often. "can you repeat what you said?"

 

"i don't know what i want to do, how about you?"

 

"no, what you meant to say." joshua's redness faded to a glow-- the kind that you could stare at until you reach a sudden epiphany thanks to the blessing, and yet, i had no idea what he was talking about.

 

"i...i don't care so long as you're around to do it with me?"

 

"we both don't know what to do, then," joshua settled, tired of this stalemate. his hand searched for mine until i realized what he was trying to do and i lent it to him. his hands immediately stuck like a vice.

 

"so let's stay here and enjoy it."

 

\--

 

our conversations drifted from the nightmare of mrs. cha and our own lives, and eventually came up the point where we talked about other people.

 

"i recently picked up bass so i can help jeonghan with it. surprisingly, it's a lot more different in comparison to guitar than i thought." joshua said pretty casually and humbly, like as if the fact that hes picking up another language of music is just no big deal.

 

"that's really cool! and...i didn't know you were friends with jeonghan, either! i only know him as the pretty muse from art!" josh choked on a laugh at this. "that must be so cool, i really always wondered what he was like-- if he was an angel as he was in life as he was in-paint..."

 

joshua laughed softly in amusement. "yeah...i guess it's been a while since we talked about our personal things, huh?"

 

"yeah, we've been so busy with balancing our lives and school that...i guess, sharing it slipped our minds." i admitted, guilty.

 

joshua's lips formed into that cat-like curl when he stopped staring at my collections of books and figurines "what do you like these days?"

 

i thought about it hard. i liked lots of things. nothing really changed. i still like cats, and doodling, and piano; i like my friends, too. i like him.

 

"a-actually, i think," i started, but words were having a traffic jam in my throat. i felt my eyes quiver and shut them tightly to pretend like i was thinking hard, instead. "ah, nevermind i forgot the word." i laughed, rubbing my thumb over joshua's hand.

 

"i'll wait for it to come back to you," joshua said innocently; patiently, maybe lovingly, even. and that was enough for the words to come back to me. but as impatient drivers get freed of traffic, they get the greed of wanting to go fast to make up for lost time. my sentences do the same.

 

"i think like you. like, i like being with you? but being around you makes me want to explode?" i blurted. oh god, here comes the word vomit. "like a rollercoaster, where i can go ' _woohoo!_ ' and _'oh man, i'm going to die'_ all at the same time; that's how you make me feel."

 

"and i lo-like your presence and your humor, and how you match almost indefinitely with me; and how much you know about me-- if anyone came before you in my life, they'd have one hell of a standard to climb!" i paused to inhale. "but not that it would matter, because i don't think anything existing could replace you!"

 

i quit before i got in too deep. "in summary; i just...like. you."

 

joshua's eyes were wide and drifting around in search of...something; his eyebrows closer together than usual, but not quite to the point where he'd look angry or upset. "wow." was all he could manage from it.

 

"you think so?"

 

"well, yeah. i mean, no kidding! i thought you liked jeonghan from the way you spoke about him, if anything!" joshua said. "because i think the same way about you!"

 

...oh.

 

"that...is beyond relieving, you have no idea." i said, trying to avoid looking at him-- oh my god, oh my god.

 

"ditto to that."

 

"s...so what are we?" i became more aware of the hand holding we were engaged in. fuck, brain- don't go there-- why did i think about the word engaged, fucking hell--

 

"we could be dating, if that's what you like?"

 

i paused. like magic, my brain was blank. "...please?" was all i could think to say.

 

joshua hesitantly leaned his head on my shoulder, testing it out. "sure," he said, his vocal reverberating on my shoulder bones.

 

"i still think you still love my couch more than me, though." i tried to make some sort of comical relief. my heart was beating so crazily that i'm sure joshua could hear it from my shoulder.

 

"of course, love," he replied, smiling wickedly. i gasped at the nickname, which put a glowing expression onto joshua's face.

 

he really knows how to shut me up, too, huh?


	2. but now he doesn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and i was so stupid to think that 'till death do us part' meant forever.
> 
> [the sequel that was literally begged for, like, for real? is there any actual junshua stans existing??]

joshua's been out and about these days. college is hard, i get that-- i'm having a hard time too. we haven't had a proper conversation since forever, hence why i decided to make a meal for him to come back to. i thought it would be a nice gesture-- i mean, i'd certainly enjoy it too.

 

"...jun," joshua started, entering our dorm but pausing when he sees the food. i run downstairs and see his shocked, tired look.

 

"surprise!" i cheered softly, smile revealing both my upper and lower teeth. "you should sit down and eat, if you don't like any of these i could cook another thing, i really don't mind--"

 

"jun, i'm okay."

 

"okay, okay. take a seat though, love; how's college treating you on your side?" i inquired, sitting on the opposite side of the table.

 

"horrible...and it keeps making me think about things."

 

"i'm open to listen." joshua's eyebags have gotten puffy and his smile was twinged with pain every single time. i knew he had bottled up things he needed to release and i was so ready to hear all of them.

 

"jun, i appreciate you, but i think it's time for us to drop this." joshua said.

 

that wasn't at all what i was expecting. i froze up, chills injected through various parts of my body and i had to pause for 5 seconds to wait if he was just saying the thought passed by his mind, of if it was just a joke. i didn't know what to say and joshua took my long silence as a sign for him to continue speaking.

 

"it's just-- college was a lot more draining than i thought. i had to give up my guitar classes and my friends to keep up, but there's still too much baggage." he admitted, facing away from me. hiding his face, his features, his emotions. i don't know what hurt more-- whenever he hid his emotions from _me_ like this, or whenever he spilled them out and it turned out to be like _this_.

 

"so that's it, then? almost 14 years of hanging out; shared lunches, inside jokes and memories? and i'm still just your baggage? the excess weight to your life?" i hated using this tone towards someone like joshua-- it always felt like i was yelling at a kitten who did nothing wrong, but i was crushed by this. i thought of him as my world, my partner, my future.

 

he saw me as the burden.

 

"that's not it at all! i have to focus on my studies, and if you can't respect that, then why are we in this relationship?"

"if i respected your studies, would you keep it? say the word-- i'll give you space, tell me if you need comfort and i'm there-- if you need me to do some of your typeworks; i'll make myself open; but for the love of god, shua, you're really resorting to _'all excess weight off the boat'_? what a great take on our relationship." i said.

 

"it's really not easy, jun. it's not easy at all."

 

"then don't take it so hard. this is why i'm here-- i'm here to make it easier for you. i'm willing to do that." he paused. he looked down frantically.

 

"jun, i'm going out." joshua said, picking his stuff up.

 

"wait-- no, why?" i immediately jumped up from my seat and went to joshua's side of the table.

 

"i'm really sorry." joshua put one loop of the backpack on his shoulder and tried to get away as as fast as possible. "i'm sorry. i'm so. so sorry that i'm a coward."

 

and that was about the last time i saw my best friend. it wasn't even him who came by to pick up his stuff. a kid with messy dirty blonde hair came by and picked them all up by himself. he often looked at me apologetically before continuing to collect my ex's stuff and he even mentioned his apologies and well-wishes for the both of us. he introduced himself as dino, which i found cute.

 

he was a nice kid. joshua really knew how to pick his crowd.

 

it just hurt that i wasn't part of it. not anymore. not after all this time. that was nothing.

 

it hurt that, even after we were both free and stable, joshua never tried to call me back. he never even tried for friend's sake.

 

he graduated with flying colors. i know that. i was present during his graduation and had nothing but tears of pride for him. even though i was trying to avoid being seen by him, seeing him be everything we talked about when we were younger brought every emotion out in a bitter rip of my lungs.

 

while as for my own graduation, i made sure to keep a seat open in case joshua felt like visiting. he never did. i had to lie with my own whole breath that i was just happy to finally be free from college. i just pretended that he was hiding too. that when i step out of the buliding, joshua would jump out and kiss me in excitement like he used to. or even hug me.

 

or even hold my hand like we used to.

 

i don't know why i ever thought we'd be an eternity.

 

was it the time i invested? did i ever think about how much time he invested into other people too?

 

did i even think about the value of that time? you can spend a wholesome one second with someone and a year of meaningless time with another.

 

i swallowed heavily. the anchor nestled in my throat was weighing in my thoughts.

 

what a joke.

 

i can't help but look in disdain as the angel that joshua accused me of being in love with when i first confessed was at _his_ side this time. they were talking about music; jeonghan on bass and joshua on guitar. it brought me back to our music sessions with the humble piano and cheap acoustic guitar.

 

i had many dreams we would be more than that. i always had the feeling that i wanted to play the piano on our wedding day. i wanted to serenade him and surprise him with that one drama soundtrack that makes him fall in love.

 

i swear i could still feel it. i could still feel the spring bellows in the warm afternoon. i can feel joshua walking towards my sitting figure, careful not to disturb me during my practice. i can still remember the outline of his arms wrapped over my shoulders until he finally kisses me on the cheek softly. how the sensation would bloom a warm, fizzy sensation into my cheeks. one that would have me blushing and tingly no matter how many times he did it. it was just the magic of joshua where every moment felt like the first.

 

you'd feel this way so many times, you really would've had no idea that this was the last.

 

i felt my absolute soul shatter at the same fond looks he used to give me. but he's not facing me. he doesn't even know i'm here. he's drowned in jeonghan, and i'm watching from the bay.

 

and i felt the pieces being picked up again, but by minghao. he gave me a genuine look of encouragement.

 

with every trip, in a bike for two,

come a road where i once knew.

and this is your stop; our journey end.

you quit your job and stopped being my friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to new life. to a new journey. watch the people you give up everything for, because they might never pay you back.


End file.
